Palaver of the past (final)

Palaver of the past (final)

The past year was a very bad one for me. I nearly got paralysed and was supposed to die. But I refused. Instead, my mum died two weeks after I recovered, and up till this day, I’ve been grieving in my heart for her loss. In any case because life must go on, Sikaman Palava must also move on.

Last year, the entire country also had a funeral with Joe Lartey, the greatest commentator ever in the history of Sikaman, as the Abusuapa­nin. ‘WEEP NOT JOE LARTEY, was the headline of my article which mourned Ghana’s loss in the grand finale of the 18th African Cup of Nations.

“…It was like a bride who had ran away with another man just before the wedding ceremony. It was a hon­eymoon that was never consummated. For a moment the wind stopped blow­ing and all living things in the territory mourned in their hearts. It was victory so near yet so distant.”

“The Unity Cup was just in sight. But too soon, it was burgled away by neighbouring Cote d’Ivoire. Like others, I felt they did not deserve the Cup and, therefore, thought they must have stolen it in the full glare of everybody as Sikaman natives looked on helplessly.”

Ghana lost, but in March, Azumah Nelson cheered our hearts. I wrote, “For the first time in a couple of weeks, Joe Lartey smiled contentedly. But he was careful enough to have left the bottle of champagne at home before reaching the studio.”

That was when Zoom Zoom taught Jeff Fenech the psychology behind wicked boxing that earned him the title ‘Professor’.

The title was ‘THE DANGERS OF OVER-BOXING’. “Two minutes into the eighth round, the African ring-master proved to the whole world that he was a true son of Bukom. He himself was cornered, but like the tough nut he is, he managed to break free before over­whelming the panting Australian with several blows that made him crash headlong.

“Moments later, the referee, ex­pressing fatherly sympathy, stopped the fight to prevent an obituary. After the ordeal, Fenech’s fairly handsome face was full of newly constructed hills, valley, ox-bow lakes, whatever.

“I noticed that his nose was very tired and it had a miniature volca­no sitting restlessly on it. Obviously, Jeff’s wife will have to nurse that nose back to its normal shape. But I’ll advise her not to use iodine, other­wise her dear husband will wail like a banshee.”

During the past year and even before, students in second cycle institutions became riotous. ‘BOARD­ING SCHOOL PALAVER’ dilated on some of the causes of indiscipline among students.

“In those days, we were coming home for vacation taller and fatter. These days when students are back from school, you’d think they’ve just been released from a concentration camp… And the reason the school authorities give for punishing the stu­dents nutritionally is that the boarding fees they pay are grossly inadequate to make them grow tall.

“Until recently, students were pay­ing $90 per day, and such an amount was only capable of making the stu­dents become very religious, because they were virtually fasting throughout the term.”

I referred to the good old days when we were in secondary school. The beans factor in those days was very much acknowledged. Already full of protein, the beans normally had in­sects, especially weevils in them. And the cooks were careful enough not to remove the insects, but to cook them together with the beans to increase the protein content. I guess the ma­tron was often told that weevils were very good for students, especially first years.

“I usually went home to be told by my mother that I was growing like a whiteman’s fowl. Some people even thought I was eating fertilizer import­ed from Holland. When my mother be­came alarmed at my increasing height, l explained the situation to her.

“Mama, it’s not me-o! It is the beans. Too many weevils in them.’ And she became amused.”

Last year when the politics really did begin, many forgot that there was something called kenkey- politics. ‘THE MELODRAMA OF PARTY POLITICS’ highlighted the term.

POLITICS

“When it comes to kenkey-politics, Kofi Owuo, alias Death-By-Poverty is the champion. He knows he’ll sweep how to deal with politics of the stom­ach in such a way that when he is bel­lyful after attacking a heavy mound of banku with okro soup and tilapia, he doesn’t care whether or not it is Mari Djata who is ruling the country.

Osagyefo Dr Kwame Nkrumah’s re­mains were reinterred at a time when his disciples were in disarray. The title of my article on July 4, was ‘Nkrumah, His Examples and Disciple’.

“Today, the Osagyefo is both loved and hated. Those who hate him do not want to hear of his name. Those who love him are not united. The bones of the Osagyefo lie restless in his new tomb, while his disunited disciples continue invoking his ghost to ‘help’ win the presidential and parliamenta­ry elections.

“But supposing the ghost of the Osagyefo really appeared to the dis­ciples at a party meeting to admonish them to get united, would everybody sit down quietly and listen to the message?

In any case the question of who wins the presidential sprint race was brought to the fore but not before Captain Kojo Tsikata (rtd) ‘died’; He died in Sikaman and resurrected in Iran from where he boarded a plane to the Kotoka International Airport.

“His resurrection’ might have brought joy to his disciples, family and admirers and fear into the people whose hearts are fond of planning coups… the oldman has a reputation as having the kind of nose that can smell out where people are planning against the Flight Lieutenant.”

The political race was clearly between Professor Adu Boahen of NPP and Flight Lieutenant J. J. Rawlings, Sikaman Palava predicted on their chances.

The great Professor Adu Boahen is causing sensation wherever he treads. His rallies are electrifying. But it ap­pears the party is more magnetic than the presidential candidate himself… He is not as vibrant as his followers would want him to be. In any case, he is one of the most likely candidates to win the race because of his popularity among a large section of Ghanaians.

“Professor Adu Boahen is going to win numerous votes in Ashanti, Great­er Accra, Central and Western. As for Volta, especially Akatsi and Amedzofe, he should not expect a miracle. He should also avoid Afram Plains.

“And what about Flight Lieutenant Rawlings? Kojo T is back to life so he doesn’t have to be worried about state security. Rawlings is liked, often intensely, by many Ghanaians… He has charisma and a rather supervise a large following. He is a brilliant orator and is able to successfully appeal to the emotions of the people. His mag­netic qualities seem legendary. I hear many are getting converted when they hear him talk.

“He will not do well in the cities, however. His votes are in the country­side and that is where he is going to harvest what he deserves. You know sown there-electricity, potable water, etc.

He will flop in Accra that was a joint thing and Ashanti because of Adu Boahen and Kwabena Darko, But he’ll sweep clean Volta, Brong Ahafo, North, Upper East, Upper West. And his wife will take care of the women. “He is one of the most likely candi­dates to carry the day if Dr Bilson’s court action backfires.”

After the presidential election, the parliamentary polls were due. TO PARLIAMENT was the title of my article on November 28.

“In due course of time, candi­dates will be elected to the National Assembly and then parliamentarians can start sending yoke to Parliament House to prove that the ordinary man’s stomach has problems with its elasticity.

“So when you see a parliamen­tarian in a fitting suit, carrying a briefcase, don’t think it contains only carbon paper, jotters and the consti­tution of Sikaman. You’ll be making a sad mistake.

“In fact, the briefcase may also contain various sizes of kenkey balls, different species of fish and red pep­per, on which the day’s parliamentary debate will be based, to determine the extent to which man is facing the ‘weather’.

“To this an opponent will counter, ‘Mr Speaker, if you’ll permit me, I’d like to say that our honourable col­league has not made any point at all, although he looks smart in his political suit. The fact is that if his children who are probably in JSS are gluttons and eat like pigs that is no concern of this house. It is a family disease.

“So Mr Speaker, I think the hon­ourable colleague’s contention is tantamount to behaving like a ball of kenkey and I should think the matter be put at rest.”

The review of the past year ends here. See you next week!!!

By Merari Alomele

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